Canadian Bank's Approach

It appears employees at the Royal Bank of Canada have a unique approach to customer service. The higher up the food chain, and the more responsability the employee you deal with has, the less likely it is that you'll get any sort of resolution. One of their customers decided to make a Flash animation about it:

Royal Bank of Canada Customer Service

Ups, red ring of death!

Here's a non-support story relating to the Xbox 360's Red Ring of Death, Microsoft and UPS all at once. You can read the original here with added pictures to illustrate the situation.

Like many of you, I have a shiny new copy of Halo 3 begging me to skip work and abandon family. The graphics are amazing, the game play liquid smooth, the sound design without peer, and the online gaming puts the Halo franchise firmly back on top, or at least that's what I've heard. For, sad to say, my personal Xbox 360 is gone, abandoning me in my time of need.

It all started on the 21st of August. I purchased an HD-DVD drive for my 360, complete with a free copy of 300, from my local and moderately incompetent Best Buy (they tried to charge me for the copy of 300 until I corrected them). After installing the software for the drive on the 360, I popped in 300 and sat back to enjoy all the highly-defined heroics. And it was glorious! For 10 minutes. Then the screen froze. Was Microsoft's HD software so poor it crashed just like Windows? Nope. For when I restarted my 360, I saw the inevitable:

Three red flashing lights (aka la red ring of death). The sign of a general hardware failure.

@%$@! So much for high def movies or gaming. But it was still over a month until Halo 3, plenty of time to get my system fixed. Microsoft had wisely extend my original warranty from 90 days to a full year, then tacked on another 2 years for this particular problem. Wisely I say because we Americans have this thing called a class-action lawsuit and 360s have been dying a rate far beyond the norm. From my personal circle of friends, 3 out of 6 360s have failed so far. The three oldest. The other three people are not optimistic.

So I called up Microsoft to get the system repaired. Mike (a supervisor) said they would mail me a prepaid box to return my console in (by ground), it would be repaired or replaced in 2-3 days once it arrived at the repair center in Texas and mailed back (by ground). I asked about a cross-shipping a replacement (many companies have this option if you are loud enough; some better companies like Dell even use it as a standard practice). Apparently it was not an option. I asked about upgrading the shipping at my cost, also a no go. So I requested that Mike email me the address to ship my system to (as to shave off one of the ground transit times).

I never did receive that email. Instead I got the prepaid box off the UPS truck several days later. Fine. I packed up my console and dropped it off at my local Staples. It got to the repair center on the 31st of August.

On the 5th of September, 3 full business days after they had received my console, I called and spoke with a supervisor by the name of Tom. Tom told me that my console had not been taken care of yet, that Mike had erred in promising a 2-3 day turn around. A Microsoft employee providing false information? I was shocked. It was not to be the last time. At any rate, Tom promised (with a confirmation) that it would ship within 7 days of its arrival at the repair depot. Lovely. Still plenty of time before Halo 3 though.

On the 8th of September, 8 days since they had gotten my 360, I called again and spoke with a supervisor named Tyler. Tyler was smart / honest enough not to make any promises. He merely stated that Tom and Mike should not have done so and that the total processing time for the whole repair/replacement cycle was currently 3-4 weeks. I inquired if Microsoft was planning on making good on either of the earlier promises I was made. It was not. I requested to be sent up another level or transferred to someone in the complaints department. I was denied, though he did suggest I write a letter to the legal department. I declined.

For your personal reference, filing a Better Business Bureau (BBB) complaint online is both easy and therapeutic. I recommend it to anyone frustrated with customer service (or lack thereof). My complaint was based on the failure of Microsoft to honor either of the promises I had been made. Slow is one thing, lying is entirely different.

So I called them again in a couple days, the 12th I think, to see if anything had happened. To my great surprise, nothing had happened. I was given some excuse that they had so many consoles to replace that they were waiting on new units from China. My amusement factor was very low. I casually mentioned that I had filed a BBB complaint on my customer service experience so far (complete with names). This seemed to spark some interest.

Enough interest that Microsoft actually called me two days later, on the 14th. I'm still not sure which unit inside Microsoft it was (the upper echelon of Xbox support, legal?), but they had good news, my 360 had been send out (by ground) that very day! Of course they didn't admit any fault on Microsoft's part, but she was very apologetic about the amount of time it had taken and assured me that I should not have been promised anything in the first place. Whatever. It was in the UPS system with a scheduled delivery on the 19th. Well before the launch of Halo 3 (the biggest media launch to date) on the 25th.

This is the point at which events went from annoying to absurd.

UPS lost my Xbox. That's right. It was moving in a timely fashion from Texas all the way up to the New England sorting center in Massachusetts. The anticipation was growing. I ordered a couple HD-DVDs to celebrate. Then I noticed something odd. 8 hours after the arrival scan of my console in Massachusetts, it was out for delivery. Not in Bangor, Maine where I happen to live, but in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. There was no departure scan from Massachusetts or an arrival scan in Hawaii, but there it was, out for delivery in some tropical paradise while I was rotting, 360-less, in near-arctic Maine.

This inspired me to call UPS. Their support person admitted that it looked like something had clearly gone wrong, but they couldn't do anything until the package had missed its delivery date. I called back after midnight. In the mean time I had called Microsoft and let them know of the situation (my most frustrating call of the whole lot, 90 minutes and I was never sure they got my request). I finally conned the UPS person into letting me speak with a supervisor and getting a tracer (UPS lingo for an oops-we-screwed-up) put on my package. She also called Hawaii to confirm if they had the package. They did not.

This brings us to the 26th of September. Halo 3 has launched, I even own a copy. My Xbox is still somewhere in UPS limbo (no tracking updates since the 18th). I called Microsoft again to explain the situation. The first person I spoke with had never heard of UPS losing a system (yeah, I'm special), so he bumped me up (after about 40 minutes) to Janet, a supervisor. Janet could do nothing for me (this seemed to be a trend for all the low level customer support people). She did setup a "call back", which, to my understanding, means that after waiting two more days, someone with the authority to actually send me out another unit will call me. Yippie.

So, after something over 6 hours of my life spend talking to badly qualified customer support personal, what have I gained? I still don't have my Xbox back. No one has admitted any fault. I cannot even speak to a human with any authority to get my case moving. I'll update this as new news comes in. Someday I may even have a 360 to call my own.

Least my PSP is still functional. Jeanne D'Arc might not be Halo, but it does dull the frustration.

Support Now With Wings

Another complaint letter, sorry, last one (maybe). This time, there's issues with sanitary towels.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from ‘the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.

Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you ------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t.

And that’s a promise I will keep. Always!

Best,

Must be that time of the month... Don't kill me!

Even The Police

Even the police have demonstrated lack of support. Here's some correspondence which made me giggle.

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

He got a reply to that too:

Mr ----

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC 387

Community Beat Officer

Unfortunately, not the kind of response he was looking for:

Dear PC 387

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DK's are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Leith Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on *** **** If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

---------

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

Inconvenience Banking

Who hasn't wanted to do this? Banks, like other companies, show us they can offer non-support like the best of them. This guy decided to clarify his feelings.

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2 .To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

Seat 29E Stinks

Another airline complaint letter, this time from a passenger unhappy about sitting next to the toilet.

12-21-04
Flt #888 / SDO - HOUSTON
SEAT # 29E

Dear Continental Airlines,

I am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may knwo, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left arm and touch the door.

All my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is? Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that is blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzel? [sic]

I constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment - while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my should will be the last!

Putting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man GROAN in there! THIS SUCKS!


DEPICTION OF MANS BUTT IN MY FACE.

Worse yet, is I've paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat!

I am picturing a board room full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV.



I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat.

Does your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom.

I wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor... What about my hair! I feel like I'm bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me.

I am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours.

We are finally descending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain.

I suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smouldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.

You can find the original hand-written letter here.

Unhappy Chrysler Neon Owner

Here's another top-notch complaint letter, this time from the owner of a Chrysler Neon who is less than pleased about his car.

SCOTT CLIFTON FURROW

January 21, 2000

DaimlerChrysler
Customer Relations Department
1000 Chrysler Drive
Auburn Hills, Michigan 48326-2766

Dear Chrysler:

I own a new Plymouth Neon. Actually, most of it is new. In five years, I’ve had to replace most of the car because of faulty parts and second-rate engineering and inferior workmanship. Am I exaggerating? I wish I were. The fact is that I’ve had several mechanics and dealers literally laugh at me for buying this Neon. “You should have bought Japanese!” they say. I don’t think that’s funny. Do you think its funny? I don’t think its funny. Mechanics are generally not funny people.

In 1999 alone I spent over $2000 trying to fix stupid problems on this car, not including some expenses that you paid for! This is a typical year. Only one towing this year, which is an improvement over past years. However, I’m happy to report that I still have the original air bags in the dash and steering wheel! Since my car is in the shop much of the time, there’s less of a chance I’ll get into an accident. So, you’ve at least built a safe vehicle. Bravo!

There isn’t much on this car that hasn’t failed yet. It’s quite remarkable. The only thing that works well is the “check engine” light. It’s on most of the time: bright, yellow and warm. It lights up the whole cabin at night, advertising to passengers what a fine machine I drive.

Actually, I’m so accustomed to the “check engine” light, it’s kinda spooky whenever its not on – I must be a little afraid of the dark. Incidentally, the cabin is even darker than usual now since the dome light is fly-by-night, and the lights in the dashboard flicker and don’t work half the time. Oh, the bulbs aren’t out; I’ve checked that. But, if I give the dashboard a good thump, sometimes I can get the lights to come back on. It makes me feel like the Fonz!

All this being said, the car does look nice on the outside. Very shiny, a rich blue color. That’s because all of the original paint peeled right off the car. Lucky for me, all the paint peeled off while one of your wayward dealers was washing it. “I’ve never seen one this bad, usually there are signs of bad paint, but yours lost all of its paint at the same time” he said. Thanks, I like being unique!

I had two weeks left on some paint warranty as it turned out, so you repainted the whole car. Thanks! It only cost me some dubious $200.00 deductible – one of the many amounts I’ve paid that I feel Chrysler should have paid. I don’t think defective paint should cost me anything. That’s crummy customer service. How long have you been painting cars anyway? Seems like paint is something you should have down by now.

Lots of other peculiar things have gone wrong with the car. The reservoir that holds excess coolant developed a hole and drained itself, causing my car to overheat in a seedy neighborhood. That was a neat experience. Naturally, the Chrysler mechanic told me he’d never seen that happen before in a car that wasn’t in an accident. That part took several days to get since no one keeps them in stock, so I was told. Also, its wasn’t covered by any warranty since its never supposed to need replacing. I got to pay for that one too! My car has lots of firsts; your research and development department should give me a grant.

Glue oozes out of the rear window on hot days. It’s very hard to clean that sludge off the side of the car. I’ve heard different cockamamie stories from you why this happens; I don’t buy any of them. I don’t think you really know why this happens. I’ve noticed this problem on many early model Neons. I would think you’ve been putting rear windows in cars almost as long as you’ve painted them. I guess it takes a while to get that down though. I am expecting the rear window to fly out eventually. For this reason, I don’t drive behind other Neons.

The trunk latch mechanism at the driver’s seat broke, the turn signals stick, the trunk won’t stay open on its own most of the time, among other kooky things. Thinking these are only small, insignificant defects? Au contraire, mes amis! They just exemplify the lousy construction of this vehicle, which has resulted in thousands of dollars in major repairs, both to you and to me. Pardon my French.

This year, I blew a head gasket. That only cost me $1300. The mechanic told me it’s a common problem with Neons. In fact, I have a friend who had the same problem with her Neon a couple months after mine. It’s important to have common bonds with other people. Thanks! By the way, this mechanic suggested I should inquire to see if I could recover my expenses from Chrysler for that, since it is the result of a defective engine. Should I look into that on my own or can you help me there?

I’ve replaced 4 batteries already in 5 years. Once, you folks told me you found defective wiring that caused batteries to die too soon. You replaced the wiring. But since then, I’ve replaced two batteries on my own. I’ve replaced the battery cables too. This is bad. With the Franklin era electrical design of my Neon, I’m concerned I may have a major electrical failure soon, perhaps a fire.

My dad had a car explode one night on its own due to defective wiring (unfortunately for my argument here, it was not a Chrysler product. But I bet you wondered for a second, huh?). I don’t want the car to explode while I’m in it. Frankly, I do want it to explode when no one is in the car or within 100 yards of it. Then I might get enough insurance money to buy a second-hand Schwinn.

I’ve had four major brake jobs on this car. Most of the original brake system components have been replaced by Midas at substantial cost to yours truly. I have the Midas extended warranty on the right front wheel, because for some unexplained reason, that side wears out completely every year or so. I don’t drive like a loon. I do all the necessary maintenance on my car. The Midas guy blames Chrysler and so do I.

I’ve replaced the starter, oxygen sensors, and some other major components. Did I mention the car has been towed 7 times? Can you imagine how inconvenient that has been for me? I have nothing against tow-truck drivers; they are usually better conversationalists than cab drivers, so the many rides I’ve had from them have at least been affable. But I want to drive my own car places. It’s a special privilege I think I deserve.

Perhaps you could pay me for some positive advertising. I did buy the extended warranty on this car, which in fact did pay for most of the major repairs in the first 4 years I owned it, before the dreaded 70,001st mile. I am the poster boy for extended warranties! The warranty more than paid for itself on my behalf. Nevertheless, the warranty didn’t cover some things it should have, like an $80.00 towing bill because the problem turned out to be a dead battery – a battery that Chrysler replaced only a few months before and supposedly fixed the problem which had caused its premature demise (see the above section on faulty wiring and Benjamin Franklin).

One of your way too busy regional folks declined my request for a refund of that amount, reminding me that towing is not covered by the warranty for dead batteries. Since by this point, the car breaking down was not unusual and I was very familiar with your roadside assistance program, and because I knew the problem was (and is) more than just a dead battery, I wisely in my view took the car in to be fixed. The dealership and your regional guy didn’t seem to find it odd that batteries keep dying and treated my like I was out of line to ask for a refund. So I tried to complain to you directly. I never did hear back from you on a letter I sent regarding this situation. I didn’t follow up because you obviously don’t care to keep me as a customer anyway, or you are too busy dealing with all the other Neon owners’ troubles to get back to me.

I’d like to sell the car, but I can’t because I can only drive it about 30 miles before something else goes wrong. (This has been my recent experience as the car has been in and out of the shop over the last few weeks. They can’t even find what’s causing the problem this time.) Plus, if I sold it, I’d probably get shot by the guy I sell it to after he walks 30 miles back to my house. Can’t be too careful these days you know. I’ve wanted to sell it for almost 3 years now, but the value of the car was dropping faster than I could pay it off. Now it’s paid off, but not worth as much as the computer I’m typing this letter on.

So I could drone on for a while on this car. As you can tell, this car has not been friendly to me. I have been shown no courtesy from Chrysler so, at this point, there is no need for me to ever test-drive a Chrysler again. And I’ll make sure that no one I know does either. Everyone I know sees me driving borrowed cars all the time, and they know why, so they are already unlikely to buy a Chrysler.

I want to get rid of this car. Will you buy it back? This car has given me nothing but problems. It has cost me thousands of dollars, in repairs and rental cars and time. It has been in the shop for months cumulatively. Hardly something to be expected from a good car company such as yours.

If you buy it back for a generous price, I would seriously consider trading it for a used Honda off one of your lots if it’s a really, really good deal. What do you say? I’d have really good things to say about you in my really high profile public profession. It seems like you could do something here. Its annoying to me that if you add the money I paid for the Neon to the money I’ve spent fixing extraordinary repairs to the lemon, I could have bought a top of the line Honda Accord. That’s what I would have liked in the first place, but I couldn’t afford it, and I thought buying American was the right thing to do. With a Honda, mechanics wouldn’t be laughing at me because they wouldn’t be seeing me. That would be nice.

I look forward to your enthusiastic and prompt response. Since I didn’t get one last time from you ninnies, I’m also sending this letter to a few other people, just to see if they might care more. I’ve got nothing to lose and nothing better to do, since I don’t have a car to get out.

Sincerely,

Scott Furrow
Plymouth Neon Owner

CC: Martha Stewart, David Letterman, Al Gore, George W. Bush, Richard Simmons, Donald Trump, Lee Iacocca, A.J.Foyt, Prince Charles of Windsor, Regis Philbin, Pamela Anderson Lee, Bill Gates, Jay Leno, Florence Henderson, Robert J. Eaton, Better Business Bureau